Quick Indian Cooking

I was second in line. Standing behind a blonde, 20-something at the farmer’s market fish stall.

Buying fish does not come naturally to me. As a little girl, I had bad eyesight and thick pink spectacles aged barely eight.

The cure, according to the local optician, was to eat fish. Lots of it. This was a sign from above by my Bengali fish-loving family, who proceeded to force feed me the stuff. Little bones and all.

22 years later, I see the sense in eating fish occasionally. But the familiar quiver in my knee-high boots returns at every fish counter.

“I want to buy fish,” the blonde began. “But I don’t want anything that smells fishy. Or has bones. Or tastes too fishy either. Actually, I’m a salmon kinda gal.”

Great, I thought. This was going to be really simple. I’ll have what she’s having, as long as it won’t fall apart in a curry.

I think the guy shot me an evil. But I scurried off, like a true Bengali all set to make doi maach or yoghurt fish curry. This was a must-have at weddings and social functions at home and cooked traditionally with Rui or carp. I used skate, which worked beautifully in this sweet and spicy curry and had all the above plus a meaty texture.

If you can’t beat them, you gotta join them right?
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Lost under an oversized “Dont Mess with Texas” T-shirt, I sank into our black, P Diddy-esque leather couch.

Sundays are the only time I’m quiet , reflective. Recovering from the ravages of Saturday night. Quietly freaking out about looming deadlines. Uncle Roy’s impending charity Indian ball. Christmas. Anything, really.

Hubby sits beside me having a crap movie fest, cherishing the rare silence. As my father-in-law tactfully put it, the only time the Basu sisters are quiet is when they are hungry or asleep.

How true. For I was craving something super healthy. But, far too fagged out to stir onions.

I remembered the banana leaves in the freezer. In a fit of total idiocy, I bought a massive pack when I really needed two leaves. Leaving no room in the drawer for essentials like frozen parathas and ice cream.

It was time to put them to good use with macher paturi, fish smothered in mustard, coriander and chilli, wrapped in bamboo leaves and steamed. It’s served on special occasions like weddings in West Bengal.

Wrenching myself away from the riveting Holloywood blockbuster that is Elektra, I returned 20 minutes later with a full plate and smug smile. I was going to be ready for that deep, meaningful conversation soon.

This recipe serves 2:

2 boneless and preferably skinless cod fillets

60 gm fresh coriander leaves

4 tsp wholegrain mustard

4 tsp mustard oil

4 small green finger chillies

2 green banana leaves

Salt to taste

Bring the kettle to boil with two cups of water. In a blender, puree all the ingredients with a teaspoon of water to get a light, grainy paste. Add enough salt to make it a strong marinade.

Smother the surface of each cod fillet with this paste and place on a washed banana leaf. Make a parcel, folding the leaf over each fillet evenly.

Place in a steamer (I used a covered colander over a pot) and steam for about 12 minutes until the fish is cooked through.

I served this with traditional wedding delicacy ghee bhat, 75 gm rice cooked with a teaspoon of ghee and some salt, and steamed broccoli, for no particular reason. A delicious combination.

I am astounded by the BBC’s double standards.

First, they get one of the most glamorous celebrity chefs to front a new programme on real-life cooking, forcing the wealthy advertising mogul’s wife to sack her housekeeper and do her own laundry.

As if this wasn’t bad enough, she also has to travel to the supermarket to do her own food shopping. Thank god for taxis and the upmarket Waitrose.

And then there’s the outrageous menu.

While the British Government peddles fears about an obesity crisis, we are lovingly shown how to create deep-fried suppers with garlic mayonnaise and a heavy mustard cream sauce to accompany pan-fried pork chops.

As the cream submerged the meat, the presenter sultrily said “comforting, elegant and easy”. Fattening came to mind.

What a disservice courtesy the nation’s public service broadcaster!

Here are my thoughts for the BBC’s future cooking programming: Real life cooking is done by real life people, who:

• Have full-time jobs, unpaid at home and paid at work, both exhausting
• Take public transport to food shops or drive – both are fraught with difficulty
• Are increasingly worrying about their diets and meals

I switched the programme off when the caramel croissant pudding was flagged up and made masala fish for dinner.

It takes 20 minutes to prepare and you can eat it with any vegetables or a salad. Real life cooking by a really normal person.

This recipes serves 2:

2 skinless and boneless fish fillets (I used salmon)

Juice of half a lemon

1 tsp chilli powder

1 tsp turmeric powder

Salt to taste

1 tsp butter (I used margarine that tastes like butter)

Turn the grill on to preheat it to a medium heat. In a little bowl combine the lemon juice, salt, turmeric and chilli powders to make a strong marinade.

Line a baking tray with kitchen foil and place the fish fillets on top. Drizzle the marinade all over and leave to rest for five minutes.

Then put half a teaspoon of butter on each fillet and place the baking tray under the grill for 10-12 minutes until the fish is cooked through but still moist.

I ate this with the jeera aloo I made earlier.

I am still recovering. One Sunday and three hectic work days later.

Alarm bells should have gone off when I read about the clientele “comprising of [sic] local Chelsea socialites and fashionable 20 / 30-somethings from surrounding media, production and design companies”.

But there we were. Asian Invasion 2007 of a bunch of under age, middle class toffs in the sans public transport wilderness that is Fulham, South West London. With a handful of French, Israeli and English party going friends thrown in for good measure.

Just as the night of lychee-mojito-drinking and outrageous dancing was drawing to a close, the manager decided to have a strong word with me. It was about the bad image I was portraying by resting my aching legs on the table 15 minutes before closing time.

Bad image? Mate – look around you. There are men and woman being sick and falling on their faces all over the dance floor! This is a nightclub, not a temple…

The following day, as I lifted the rock that was previously my head – I realised two things. 1) I am too old for this and 2) I need some serious TLC to get my body back from the brink.

So I did what I hardly ever do. I cooked fish. A whole rainbow trout – complete with head, fins and eyes. The healing power of oily fish needs no introduction and this delicious recipe takes barely 25 minutes from start to finish.

We made some channa salad on the side and ate most of it for dinner, saving some for leafy salad lunch at work the next day. It was heavenly and just what the doctor ordered. You may need to save this one for when recovery is of the essence.

This recipe serves two:

2 whole rainbow trouts, washed well

100 gm fresh coriander leave (a large bunch)

4 whole green chillies

4 garlic cloves

Quarter cup mustard oil

Juice of 1 lemon

Salt to taste

Preheat the grill to a medium heat.

In a blender, puree all the ingredients together bar the fish. Coat the fish evenly with the thick green masala and grill for 10 minutes on either side.